Personal Revelation

Well, since my new determination to use this blog more, my efforts are to make it a journal with different experiences I have, things I've learned, or am studying. You know, not every day life but hopefully an insight to my life as well as lessons we can all learn from the gospel of Jesus Christ. I think I'll enjoy looking back at this time in my life, and maybe my kids will too when they're big...

So I've entered a new stage in life. After I graduated High School I went to college, then got married, worked, had kids, and now that my husband has a career and we own a home we are no longer 'unsettled.' Let's face it, before you get to this point you constantly meet new people, move 100 times, okay, maybe not that much. But lots of things seem to always be changing and the people you are around are basically the same way.

Well, we've lived here for almost a year and a half. My baby is over a year and a half. I've had the same calling for almost a year and a half. It is strange. And kind of hard. I've never had that before, ever. I keep waiting for a change. I feel like I'm getting bored of the same thing every day. And right now, I'm not real sure how to fix it.

But as I laid in bed discouraged last night, I realized the only thing I can do is to pray. Not pray that I will enjoy it, or be happier, but what I can do, so that I will enjoy it more. Some things aren't going to change any time soon. We're not moving. I'm not getting released. A new baby doesn't show up the next day. And all that is okay, I don't need those things to change, but I need to find out what I should be doing so that I don't feel like I'm in a mundane routine. Heavenly Father will help me. I am looking forward to this challenge. I'm not the best at receiving personal revelation, and it will be good for me. Continue in scripture study and prayer asking and looking for an answer. I'll let you know what I come to. :)

On the lds.org website you can find under the definition of revelation - "According to our faithfulness, we can receive revelation to help us with our specific personal needs, responsibilities, and questions and to help us strengthen our testimony."

1 Corinthians 2:12 - "Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God."

No Motivation.... Why?

Lately there have been a few things that I think I should do, or know I should do, but just don't do them. I can't get myself to actually do it.

Some things are like taking vitamins. When you're trying to get pregnant, or are pregnant, you should take vitamins right? Well, I've never been good at that and didn't with my 2 kids. Occasionally, but not faithful at all and they are healthy as can be. This last pregnancy... took them every day. And it ended in miscarriage. So naturally, vitamins cause miscarriage. I know this is silly, but something is holding me back from doing it. Fear.

Other things are like making reminder calls for my calling in church. I'm primary secretary and like to call on Wednesday or Thursday to remind the kids' parents they are giving a talk or scripture the next week. The last couple weeks Wednesday comes and goes. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and every day I think, I need to call them. But don't. Why?! Then Sunday comes and I get all nervous they may have forgotten and I should have called to remind them. Stupid.

So how come I don't have this motivation? I was complaining to my husband asking him to help me and why I've been like this. He simply said Satan.

Ugh. Really? I guess so. Yep. Fear comes from Satan. Fear in the sense of lacking faith. And not fulfilling my calling. It makes me feel crummy about myself, and I guess that is Satan's goal. So now that I know Satan is the one 'making' me like this and enjoying it, I need to change.

Marion G. Romney said in a talk entitled Satan-the Great Deceiver that Satan is the father of lies. To believe them is to surrender to him. He talks about 2 lies in particular (there is no God & Satan is not real), but not acknowledging there is a devil can be damaging. He says "such surrender has always led, is leading now, and will continue to lead men to destruction."

Other excerpts from his talk-

During the vision given to Moses, the Lord said:

"...because...Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of mean, which I, the Lord God, had given him, and also, that I should give unto him mine own power; by the power of mine Only Begotten, I caused that he should be cast down. And he became Satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice." (Moses 4:3-4).

Satan is evil: totally and always. He ever seeks to defeat the gospel plan and "destroy the souls of men." (D&C 10:27).

"... he persuadeth no man to do good, no, no one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him." (Moroni 7:17).

Just reading through some of these scriptures reminds me of Satan's whole desire is to take away our agency, destroy the souls of men, no man to do good, and become subject to him. Reading through it really motivated me to be on guard and make sure I don't fall into temptation to any of his lies.

Pioneer Day

Another Pioneer Day has come and gone. This year I'm serving in the Primary and have gotten to hear pioneer songs for a few weeks. They are in my head a lot and this has helped me in my daily actions think more about pioneers and appreciate all the sacrifices they made even more. Especially when I got bit by a spider and found only little relief from ice water and tylenol-something pioneers didn't have.

We've done some pioneer activities lately too. A week ago we were able to visit the Mormon Batallion in Old Town San Diego. I encourage everyone to go if they're in the area. It is a great presentation and the spirit testified to me a couple times of their faith and trust in the Lord, obedience in following the prophet, and hard work they did. I love getting a glimpse of what it would be like to live then. It increases my testimony and I feel closer to them.

In Primary the theme for the month has been on the temples and one week we focused on the first temples in the Latter-Days. We can learn so much from the pioneers as we study their lives and sacrifices. How difficult it was for the people to build the Kirtland temple-the women smashing china so the temple would be beautiful, men staying up all night to protect it from people wanting to destroy it, and so many other hardships they faced in their effort to build a House of God. I am amazed at the dedication of Brigham Young in getting as many saints to the temple before leaving Nauvoo. He went home just once a week and only got 4 hours of sleep a night. He knew the Saints needed the protection and strength from receiving their temple blessings before making their trek west. I felt their love and determination. We need to have that same attitude and make whatever sacrifices needed to get to the temple as often as we can.

Lastly we hiked the Temple Quarry trail here in St. George. We left about 10 am. About 5 minutes in our oldest started complaining. He was hot. And too tired to walk. It was hot. Like really hot. But I loved walking the trail thinking about the pioneers. They were here. Not only did they leave Nauvoo to go west. Their effort to follow God never stopped. When they arrived it was continuous hard work as they began building temples once again. There were no tools or transportation like we have today. It was hot. With no relief of an air conditioning or ice cold drink. We carried our boys and sang as we walked. I felt great love and appreciation for the pioneers (as well as love and appreciation for living today and not back then! :) After finishing the trail we went to the temple and admired its beauty and workmanship. We saw the cannon used to pound the lava rock into the ground to have a sure foundation. It was a wonderful day.

On the evening of Pioneer Day we watched some church history clips and heard President Hinckley, President Monson, and President Faust testify of the pioneers. Their testimony brings the spirit of truth. I am grateful for the pioneers and living prophets today.

House of Order

When I was visiting my grandparents a couple weeks ago I got to talk with my Grandma and hear some of her isms. She likes to share these, and though some of them I think, 'Grandma, you are crazy!' like when she says parents should potty train their kids by the time they are 6 weeks old, some things I like to hear what she has to say.

I like the idea of documenting what my Grandma believed in so I decided to dedicate a post to having 'a house of order.' Her rant came when talking about parents that eat dinner at different times every day and keep their kids up really late and don't have routine in their life. She said 'kids need a routine. And Heavenly Father told us we need to have a house of order. That means not having a chaotic life.' She believes kids will be better disciplined, well-behaved when they have order. And that is something worth thinking about.

President Monson quoted a philosopher in a First Presidency Message given in October 1999 titled Building Your Eternal Home stating, "consistency, thou art a jewel." In the same talk he tells us Jesus taught, "Behold, mine house is a house of order, ... and not a house of confusion." -Doctrine & Covenants 132:8. Obviously consistency and order, while avoiding confusion, are important aspects in building an eternal home.

When we got married our stake president gave us a little plaque with a scripture found in Doctrine & Covenants 88:119. It was given through the Prophet Joseph Smith at Kirtland, Ohio, December 27, 1832, where the Master counseled, "Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God." - D&C 88:119

I would love in the future to highlight how we can make our homes these things, but for now, my goal is making sure I keep my house a house of order. President Monson encouraged us to "provide time for family, time for work, time for study, time for service, time for recreation, time for self-but above all, time for Christ."

Our family makes sure we make time for these things. And I think it works best when we designate a time for each of these things and let our kids get excited about it. For instance, they know about 7:00 pm we are going to read scriptures and say prayer as a family. It is time for family, a time for study, and time for Christ. We have a prayer wheel that Noah loves to turn to see who's turn it is. He loves piling on each other after prayer for family hug where we all get stuck to each other like honey. He likes hopping to bed as I sing the song my dad used to sing to me. It is these routines that allow our house to be a house of order where the spirit resides.

Some things might not be as much of a daily ritual, but we make sure there is order. When we discipline, we are consistent so they know exactly what we expect and what the consequences are. If Dad comes home from work and the house isn't all cleaned up yet, he becomes captain and calls for all squabs on deck. The boys love getting their orders and calling out, "aye aye sir!" with fingers to forehead as they run around or march putting toys away. There is time for work, without confusion, and the kids appreciate it.

Cheryl Esplin, 2nd counselor in the Primary Presidency, mentioned in an Ensign article titled Mine House is a House of Order, "Heavenly Father has given parents the responsibility to teach and care for their children with love and kindness. He has given children the responsibility to obey and honor their parents. Heavenly Father wants every member of the family to work together to make his or her home a happy, peaceful place where the Spirit can be." I think as we remember to try to make our homes a 'house of order' we will be able to create that.

Little Confirmations

I really liked that the topic my brother received for his homecoming talk was on filling our lives with good things. You'll remember that is something I have been thinking about lately and wanting to do more of.

On Sunday I was able to go to Relief Society and the lesson was on journal writing. That too, is something I have been thinking about and wanting to improve on.

For me I felt little confirmations that the goals that I have set right now are good things and I need to continue moving forward with them. It feels good to know my Heavenly Father is happy with me and what I am doing.

I think we can have those little confirmations more often in our lives. I realized as I looked back at my brother's email he heard Heavenly Father say thank you in return to him. We can know if our sacrifices, our goals, and our actions are acceptable to God. I decided I need to ask more in my prayers before I make decisions, during, and after. When I was studying this a little bit I came across a talk given by Elder John H. Groberg titled "What Are You Doing Here?" given in 1979 at a BYU Devotional.

It started with a scripture found in 2 Nephi 32:9

"But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that they performance may be for the welfare of they soul."

That is perfect. Elder Groberg reinforced it by saying "that is powerful doctrine. It is powerful because it is true. Everything we do should be done for the Lord; and we ought to make sure that it is what he wants us to do." I agree. :) And it's easy to think something is not important, or it doesn't apply when doing this, but in Doctrine & Covenants 29:34 we learn "all things are spiritual to the Lord." So we definitely should be including Heavenly Father in all our actions and He will help us know what we should be doing, and if he is pleased with what we accomplish.

So what is a way to help us do that? Elder Groberg said in our quest to discover our callings in life, the first and foremost thing we can do is follow the Savior. Learn of him. Learn what he did, then do it. He gives 5 helps to improve our relationship with the Savior.

1. Get yourself worthy and keep yourself worthy to honestly hold a temple recommend.

2. Get a patriarchal blessing and study it often, carefully and prayerfully.

3. Read the scriptures prayerfully each day.

4. Pray diligently and fervently at least every night and every morning.

5. Start doing something...

It's a great talk and he goes more into depth on how these things can help. Regarding the last point he says,

"I remember reading a poster once that said, 'A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are made for.' I think that applies to our lives. We may pass through troubled times, but if we constantly seek nothing but physical security, we're probably not doing what we should. We need to seek the spiritual security of knowing we are doing the Lord's will. Sometimes that will not give us all the physical security we may desire, but it will give us all we need."

One last scripture found in 2 Nephi 32:1,3

"And now, behold, my beloved brethren, I suppose that ye ponder somewhat in your hearts concerning which ye should do after ye have entered by the way. But behold, why do ye ponder these things in your hearts? ... Wherefore, ... feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do."

I know I want to know I am doing the Lord's will. I have felt those little confirmations before and I would love to have those more in my life. I know as I look for those confirmations and work to develop my relationship with Christ and include Him more in my life I will have a better idea on what things I should be doing and have the peace, faith, assurance, and motivation to keep moving forward.

Believing Heart

Sometimes my heart still aches when I think that I'm not going to get a new baby to fill our home in a couple months. My younger sister is pregnant. Our little boys are only about a month apart, and the one she is pregnant with was only going to be about a week and half younger than mine, before I miscarried. One night while I was visiting I watched our little boys play together and it was SO cute. I kept wishing our next kids would have been like that. That night I cried.

I still get those moments when attention is given to someone pregnant and I feel neglected. Or I read a blog of a friend who is pregnant talking about her thoughts and I just wish I could be saying and feeling the same thing, but instead I feel a sense of loneliness. Other times it is overhearing people talking about how crazy or hard it is to have kids so close in age, but my hope is that mine were. And there are those that do it and talk about their experiences and I want to be like them. They are admirable to me. I wonder, am I not strong enough to handle it?

If it was up to me, I would be having a baby in September, and it hurts that I am not... but at the same time, I am so glad it's not up to me. Sometimes I do wish I knew why it wasn't right at that time, but as I was reading a talk recently some othings stuck out to me that I could relate to my experience. It is titled Is Yours a Believing Heart by Bruce C. Hafen in 1974.

It mentions the way Christ entered this world. He could have born under amazing circumstances that people would know he was the Son of God, instead of being born in a lowly stable. He says, "It was all part of a plan carefully and deliberately designed not to compel belief. Further indications of the deliberateness of that plan appear throughout the accounts of the Savior's life. Frequently he told those who were blessed by a miracle that they "should tell no man what was done." (Luke 8:56, also Mattthew 8:4)

When I read this I thought, I don't need to know why it happened, I just need to believe that there is a reason. Of course it would be easier to trust in the Lord if I knew the reason. In essence, Christ is doing miracles, I just don't know what they are yet.

Brother Hafen also says,

"A key reason for the Lord's unwillingness to compel our belief may be found in those scriptural phrases about doing the will of the Father and "receiving him."Something happens to people who receive him-who do his will. They learn. They develop Christlike capacities and skills beyond the reach of other men. Following his will changes them. These changes do not happen to those who merely see the sign or hear the word. Such changes in character and spirit do not happen without our active, voluntary participation. Thus, by being believing, by receiving the Lord, and by following him, the process of becoming like him is set into motion. That is a point he does not want us to miss."

I like that a lot. It is through believing in Him we can become like Him. We can't reach that on our own.

The last part of his talk which I really liked is-

God is close, so available to those who have ears to hear and eyes to see. In Jacob's dream about the ladder reaching to heaven, with angels ascending and descending it, he saw God standing at the top of the ladder saying, "I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest." And then Jacob awoke and said, "Surely the Lord is in this place: and I knew it not." (Gen 28:13-16). ... He is closer to us individually than most of us have any idea. The Lord is here, and who knows it? The faithful, those who are willing to be believing, because their greatest desire is to find him and serve him. When he is there, they know it.

...

Yet the real confirmation, the actual realization of his having been there, often comes later-the harvest of those early decisions to be believing. "...On the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit with patience." (Luke 8:15). After a few seasons of such harvesting, and of doing what believers do, the faithful, believing heart becomes more and more a knowing heart."

I think it is such beautiful imagery to have angels around us. Are my ears and eyes opened? A believing heart will feel that strength and know He is there with us. And sometimes that confirmation will come later, after we prove we are believing when it may be difficult. It is the the fruit of our patience. Some day perhaps I will know the reason why, but until then, I can believe and know there is a reason and that God is with me. With that, I can become like Christ.

Missionary Experiences

My brother just returned home from his 2 year mission in Minneapolis, Minnesota for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Just before he came home he was able to baptize a family he worked with for almost his entire mission. His email for the week before read

THE SALDANA'S ARE GETTING BAPTIZED!!!!

on the very first line. Huge, capital letters with exclamation points. It was so fun to see because he loves this family so much and was so, SO excited for them. We too had been praying for this family and got to see our prayers answered. It made me feel so happy that missionaries are able to go all around the world to preach the gospel and that they fall in love with the people and countries where they serve. They genuinely want them to receive the gospel and blessings that come from it into their lives and it is an indescribable joy that comes when they do.

The wife had heard a song at a baptism in english, and though she didn't know the words, she had felt the spirit. My brother was able to get her a copy in spanish and as she listened it to the 2nd time she said she had the strong desire to follow its message and said, "Just as you have told me a million times, all the miracles were not coincidences. I knew this was not a coincidence, that God was trying to answer my prayers." She went on to explain how she had realized all the miracles before, but that she just didn't want to see them.

I loved reading this story my brother shared and the testimony that this woman shared. Is God trying to answer our prayers and we're not acknowledging that that is what He is doing?

Well my brother then shared some of his testimony when he wrote-

I have a testimony of small and simple things! That faith truly brings miracles! That the devil will fight you to the end, but if you push a little harder you will always win in the end! I have a testimony of prayer and fasting! I know God will bless you with what you desire most! I have a testimony of testimony! I know that God puts people in our lives for certain reasons! I know a big part of my mission was to convert the Saldanas, and nothing is sweeter than realizing that God is blessing me with the opportunity to see it happen. That night I couldn't sleep, I just laid in bed crying thanking Heavenly Father. Well one of the sweetest moments of my mission is when I felt him say thank you back. Thats what its all about. The work and glory of God is the exact same as mine. It feels good to accomplish something together. They had been investigating for at least 7 years they told us. I had been teaching them for about 16 of my 22 months out in the field. Its about time :)

Well they are getting baptized June 18, so there will be a lot of adversity before that time, so continued prayers will be greatly appreciated.

I can't say how much I loved reading that. My little brother has a testimony of the gospel and has been able to help God with his work for the past 2 years. It is such a wonderful design that as missionaries go out to help other people find the truth, their own testimonies are strengthened and everyone else around them that gets to hear about their experiences.

I am so grateful for the example my brother and the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.

Family Connections

Just a quick background - my aunt adopted 2 children, she then had 10 children of her own. I loved visiting these cousins when I was young since there was always so much to do. The second oldest, who was adopted, was different from the rest of them though. Everyone was super active and into sports but she was a bookworm. Since I wasn't so gifted in sports either I loved sitting with her under my Grandma's apple tree while we would read books or just talk. I looked up to her and respected her.

Somewhere along the line things got bumpy and she didn't feel like she fit in. When she was in her early 20's she married, had kids and I started seeing a whole lot less of her when I would visit. Eventually it led to no contact with her family. The last time I saw her was at my cousin's wedding 4 years ago and I found out she was going through a divorce. It was several years before that the last time I saw her.

But of course I still think about her a lot. I wonder where she is at or how she is doing. I've had no contact information-email, phone, address, so all I could do is pray and hope she was doing okay. The last time I put her name in the temple I was on facebook the next day and on the side of my screen where it suggests friends for you (which I usually completely ignore) I saw her face! She was going by a different name, and I couldn't see really any other information, but I knew it was her. I put in a friend request, not really sure if she would accept since she didn't want contact with her family. A few days went by and I never got a confirmation.

The next time I went to the temple I put her name on the prayer roll again. Two days later I received a confirmation that I was now friends with her! I know that may seem silly, but for me it was an answer to prayer. I now have contact, which I haven't had for who knows how long. I sent her a message and though she hasn't responded, I was happy I could do that. I love her and wish her the best, want to re-establish a relationship, and her to realize how much her family loves her. Though admittedly I never hear her name mentioned when I'm with her family and have been a bit confused as to what happened to cause the separation or if there were bad feelings there.

Since I have friended her I have seen she is now friends with my mom, and one of her sisters. Today I saw her sister posted a message on her wall - Hi! I was at girls camp last night and couldn't stop thinking of all the years we went together and you took such good care of me!! Thanks for that and all the fun memories of playing together. Love you tons!!! You're so beautiful and so are your children!!" Such a simple comment but I loved reading it. The more her family reaches out to her, express their love, and pray, I know that someday those ties will be made again.

I just wanted to post my testimony of the blessings that come from the temple and the power of prayer. Also the importance of family and to never stop loving or losing hope in anyone. My cousin has since changed her profile picture back to just a piece of artwork. It is clear she still wants to remain under the radar. She would have been completely unrecognizable without that picture and her different name. Just for however long she had that picture up, her face to appear on the side of my page and for me to look is a miracle. I am grateful for those little manifests of an omniscient God in my life.

Never Forsake

One of the songs we sang during sacrament meeting yesterday was How Firm a Foundation. This song has 7 verses, and most of the time in church we only sing the first three. My favorite is the last verse-

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never

I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

Every. single. time. I hear those last words I am moved. It is sung with such power and conviction. There is something about repeating 'never' seven times that just burns to your soul that you will never give up, no matter what comes our way or what we are challenged with. There is no question.

Satan is rampant and working to destroy us any way he can whether it be attacking the family, pride, making you feel like you're failing, financial hardships, other people testing your faith, name it it's there, but it does not matter. I just love the testimony that accompanies those words. Be strong. You can do it. Never give up.

Good Things

Saturday was a good day. It started with me seeing Jack speak at a youth conference. They were running late so when we got there, there was still a speaker before him. I sat on the couch with him in the hallway listening to this other guy's talk and thought, how great would a life be just surrounded by things of the gospel. I would be happy. Listening to uplifting talks, being with people you love, having the spirit with you-it’s a good feeling. Jack did an amazing job and has been blessed with the gift to teach.

When we got home we left a few minutes later to go to the temple. I was able to witness a family in our ward be sealed for time and eternity. It was beautiful. A few times while sitting in the sealing room I felt overcome with feelings of happiness-just pure joy. The sealing room was adjoined to the celestial room, so when the doors were open you can see people coming into the celestial room. I watched loved ones meet together. Hug. It was just a happy sight. You could feel what it would be like to be reunited with our loved ones after we die and enter into our Heavenly Father’s presence. It will be a very happy time.

Then I looked around the room we sat in. People in our ward, all there to support a family we loved. That touched me. That we can share in happy moments with other people. Yesterday during testimony meeting so many people shared their feelings and testimony of being there. How wonderful that our testimonies can grow from other people's experiences. We can all learn and grow together.

Then of course when the family was being sealed it was perfect. I loved when their children walked in. They have a daughter who is in primary (I serve in the presidency so work closely with her) and she looked so beautiful. It was like an angel walking into the room, dressed in all white and looked so innocent and happy. To hear them be sealed for time and all eternity is such a wonderful blessing. This family is changed forever. They have been together for 20 years, but not until now can they be together after they die. It was such a sweet spirit testifying that families are eternal and I couldn’t have been more happy for them.

Lastly I was able to go to the baptism of 2 kids in our primary. It was fun to see this first saving ordinance performed that allows them to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and receive eternal salvation. Afterwards they were confirmed and received the gift of the Holy Ghost. Little children are adorable. They are so excited and it is neat to see that even though they are so young, they know and are excited that they are making a good choice and becoming more like their Savior Jesus Christ by doing so.

Overall, it was such a sweet day. Witnessing these ordinances and watching people come unto Christ. A constant witness of the Holy Ghost testifying of truths. It really does want you to have that become a part of you, to see that and to feel that all the time. I have a testimony that living the gospel brings happiness. As we surround ourselves with good things, leave behind things that distract us, or keep us from better things, and work to fulfill our role, we will have the spirit with us more. We are better people and we are happier when we have the Holy Ghost with us. In Moroni 10:5 we are taught, "And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."

Doing what you Do

Sometimes people do things, good things, and don't get credit for it. That's okay. That's not why they do it. They don't do it to get praise, but for the benefit of others. I know this, but sometimes it is harder when not only do you not get credit, but others think you're the problem, or share with you 'their' something, when actually it was yours...

Oh, you think I'm talking about myself? Well, yeah. kinda.

There have been several situations lately where I, or someone I know, have done something or maybe said something, and then somebody else takes credit for it. Most of those times I want to shout out, "Hey! I'm the one that said that!" or "That wasn't your idea, it was so and so's" But I think of the scripture where the pharisees do their prayers to be seen, don't want to be that person, and realize I didn't say that or whoever didn't do that to get praise. It doesn't matter whose idea it was, it was put into force, or you shared something to help others, and that is what matters. So I sit quietly, then go to my husband to complain. :) That's a little better than being a pharisee right? ;)

But he said something to me the other day after another one of these occurrences. There was something we suggested and somebody else came to me, as if it was their idea, and suggested I do it. I of course wanted to say, "Um, actually that was me who did that. We did it 6 months ago, so I don't know what you're talking about." Jack seeing I was getting frustrated with this happening, instead of reminding me it doesn't matter (which I know), he said something else that I hadn't really thought of.

Maybe you need to learn it doesn't matter who thinks what of you. People are going to have their opinions on what you're doing wrong or what you should be doing better. And you can't let that bother you.

Isn't that so true? I think I do care entirely too much what other people think of me. And that is why I get so frustrated when I don't get credit. Because I want people to like me, and so maybe if they know that was mine, or what I am doing right, they'll like me more. Uh, nope. Not true. I need to care about myself. And do the things I do so I can become a stronger, better person. Basically I'm saying the same thing I said I already knew, but for me now it was a different way of looking at it. And it makes me feel better.

And I do have to admit that when people say, "I don't care what other people think of me" I don't believe it, and it makes me mad. Because I think you should care what other people think of you, to an extent. You don't want to have a bad reputation. But I think as long as you're doing what is right, you are going to have some enemies, and that is okay. I'm reading a book about Brigham Young right now, and people misunderstood a lot of the things he did, but he did what he was commanded to do, and that is a good thing, and that is what matters. Nobody is perfect and if some judge unrighteously, or have a misconception about you, you can't change that.

Added Note: I was reading my scriptures yesterday and it reminded me a little of this post. 1 Nephi 19:9 - "And the world, because of their iniquity, shall judge him to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, because or his loving kindness and his long-suffering towards the children of men."

Here we are reading about Jesus and it really makes you realize how miniscule the things are that you let bother you (ie, the things I let bother me). Jesus Christ lived a perfect example and was misconceived by so many people. He was convicted to satisfy a mob and sentenced to die on Calvary's cross. There is no comparison. But he suffered it, meaning he took it without complaining or saying anything in return, even though they were wrong. And why? Because of his kindness and his long-suffering towards the children of men. I hope I can be more like Christ-do the things I do to become like him and at the same time be kind, loving, and friendly to everyone.

Desire

During the last general conference in April there was one talk I knew I wanted to go back and read once it was printed. It was Elder Oaks' entitled Desire.

He started by saying "I hope each of us will search our hearts to determine what we really desire and how we rank our most important desires." It was something that caught my attention upon hearing it, because I think most of us go into general conference desiring to get something out of it. I was curious if the talk was going to answer any of my desires.

His next statement I had to re-read a few times until I could instill it in my memory. "Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving and our becoming." Isn't that perfect?

So his talk mentioned that we have needs/desires, example food and water, shelter, or sleep, but we can gain a greater desire to overcome those. Example, when we fast every month. Read the talk because I think that's all I'm going to say about that.

But I love the idea and though it is so simple and makes sense, it is good to think about. What are my desires, and do I have greater desires. What am I making my priorities? Because those are my greatest desires and do I need to change any of those? They do lead to my choices and then my actions. If you think about it you will see this is true.

Sit down and think about your day-what do you do, what fills your entire day?Because you can trace back your actions to your desires. Do you want to fill your day with more quiet time? Learn something new? If so, think about why you want that and what you might be giving up to get that. Should you be making it a greater desire?

Still easier said than done. Some things will take some thought on how to make it a greater desire. For instance, losing weight a desire. Eating that piece of chocolate is often greater. Have to work on that, but I know it can be done if my desire is great enough. But some things I have really enjoyed in thinking about what I want to be doing, desiring it, then watch how it becomes a priority and wah-la, I get it done. My most successful thing in this is teaching my children. I had to change my daily routine a little but am able to set aside one hour every day to teach Noah and spend quality time with him doing crafts, reading to him, and just building a relationship. I love it.

I look forward to becoming the person I want to be as I contemplate what is most important to me and shape those desires. I was grateful for this talk motivating me that I can change, achieve, and become anything I desire, if I desire it enough.

Priesthood Blessings

My visiting teacher is in charge of the music in sacrament meeting, so she has seen a piano in my house... One day she asked me to share a piano solo in church. I really didn't want to. I know it is good to share my talents, but I prefer to share them in a Relief Society room, primary room, or accompanying a singer where all the focus is at the microphone. In fact, I had never played a solo in sacrament meeting and was more nervous than I should have been.

The night before I was sharing my feelings with Jack and he told me I could ask for a priesthood blessing. I said I wasn't sure what to ask for-that I would play well, or that I wouldn't be nervous? I just didn't know and felt a little silly. He told me of a talk he heard from a general authority saying worthy men should be using their priesthood more and giving a lot more priesthood blessings. That we can ask for a priesthood blessing for anything. After thinking about it I decided I wanted one and Jack agreed to give me one the next morning before church.

I had no idea what was in store. He started the blessing asking that my fingers would work the way they should, my eyes could focus on the music, I would be able to play the way I had practiced, etc. A couple minutes in, the tone and feeling changed. I can't even tell you everything that was said, but it was an amazing experience. I heard my Heavenly Father speaking to me. It wasn't Jack. I could feel so clearly power flowing down from Heaven and an undescribable love. It was love my Father in Heaven had for me, that Jack had for me, and that I had for them in return-just such a strong force of love flowing in all directions. He ended the blessing, and I knew Jack also had a very special experience. He asked if I knew what that was about. Was it an answer to a prayer I had? Did I need anything? I told him no, not that I knew of.

Not that I knew of was right. I was almost 11 weeks pregnant at the time and when I went into my first appointment the next week I found out that I was probably going to miscarry. After my experience the week before my testimony of priesthood blessings grew. It was such a spiritual experience that I loved, but that blessing I realized did so much more. It helped me deal with what was coming, making everything so much easier.

I had zero doubt in my mind and heart that I had a Heavenly Father who knew me, loved me, and had a plan for me. The blessing I had received talked a lot about motherhood and my role. That I was doing a great job and great blessings would come from what I was doing. After learning this very sad news-I was so excited to add to our family,-I still knew I was a mother, I had 2 adorable boys, and I would have more children, when the time was right. My faith was so strong going into this trial, it helped so much. And to think that I received all those things, because I asked for a blessing about playing the piano in church. It is amazing.

My testimony has since grown stronger from the several blessings I received in the following few weeks dealing with the miscarriage. I know that our Heavenly Father knows us and what lies ahead of us. Trials are necessary, but he wants to help us, and priesthood blessings are an amazing gift we have. We need to ask for more of these in our lives and it is a way our Heavenly Father can communicate with us, telling us things we want to hear, and may not know we need to hear. I love my husband who is a worthy priesthood holder and is so willing to use that power daily.

I have recorded several things in my journal about dealing with the miscarriage, but in my last post I mentioned a couple people who have gone through some very difficult things, and that their experiences have helped me. One more of those was Jean Little. She is a friend of a friend, another someone I have never met. On facebook I saw my friend comment on a picture with a tiny, TINY baby. As I clicked on the picture I noticed this baby was born very early, and had just passed away. She too had a blog, and being the way I am, I clicked to read her story.

After finding out about my miscarriage I dealt with some feelings of discouragement. I didn't know why my body did not realize the baby had stopped growing. I took a prescription to put my body into labor and it did nothing. We finally decided on getting the D&C when I was a little over 13 weeks-the baby stopped growth at 7-8 weeks, so I had gone 6 weeks with my body thinking it was growing a baby, but it wasn't. After you've had 2 kids your body knows what to do and I was embarrassed that my belly kept growing and I couldn't tell anyone. I was nervous people were going to start to notice and asking. My desire for a new baby hadn't gone, but you can't try again until 1. you're not pregnant anymore, obviously, and you know things are back to working the way they should. So I wondered, if I was going to miscarry, why didn't it happen earlier, why did it have to take so long.

Then I remembered this girl's story, and became grateful. I was 13 weeks, not 23. It was her first and you could tell in her blog how excited they, and their parents, were for this new baby. I can't imagine all the feelings and emotions of going into labor so early, seeing your sweet, helpless baby, then losing it and needing to plan a funeral? Things weren't so bad. Seeing the way this girl handled her trial, also helped me realize with Heavenly Father's help, we can get through anything and grow from it.