Hope

When I found out I was pregnant again I was unsure what I should be feeling. I wasn't really excited, perhaps nervous because of the previous miscarriage, but I didn't like the idea of being pessimistic and worrying for the next 3 months either. I was confused and didn't want to get overly excited to be disappointed or ungrateful by doubting. I asked my husband where you find that medium, or what it is; what was I supposed to be feeling. He responded, 'hope.' I accepted that answer.

When I was at my 4th doctor appointment earlier this week I laid on the table while she did another ultrasound. The baby looked bigger, I felt relief, but waited in silence for the tech to say something. I didn't see a heartbeat, but last time I didn't see or hear it until she switched to a different screen so I wasn't too worried. She finally spoke, 'Here is the sac, here is the baby. It is bigger, but not as big as we'd like." My heart dropped a little since at my last appointment they moved my due date back 10 days. I thought, they're going to push it back even more? Still clueless to what she was saying, then more words came, "and I don't see a heartbeat this time." ... She turned on the sound and I heard empty fuzz with the heart monitor going flat across the screen. I had lost this baby too. And my heart sunk a little deeper.

That night I sat alone and kept repeating, "I don't want to do this again. I don't want to do this again" as tears streamed down my face. It's a difficult place to be. I knew a miscarriage was coming. I knew how hard it was, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Just wait for it-not knowing when it would come, but that it would come. And it was going to be hard. I didn't want to do it. But with President Mckay seemingly in my head all the time right now I thought of him and what he was called to do. It wasn't easy for him, but it was his mission and he decided to learn from the experience, accept it, and do it well. I decided, this is my mission right now. I am being called to go through this again. So I need to do my best. I can do it, and I can do it without falling into despair. (you may find that silly to compare the two, but for me it brought some comfort)

So when the answer was hope when I found out I was pregnant, the answer is still hope now. I needed it at the beginning, I need it to get through this, and I'll need it after.

President Uchdorf gave a really good talk in October General Conference 2008 entitled The Infinite Power of Hope. He says

"Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. ... The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.

Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trusting the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear."

Just listening to those descriptions of despair and hope, obviously hope is what we want. And when I knew I didn't want to worry (or despair) at the beginning of the pregnancy, I needed hope. Romans 8:24 says "...hope that is seen is not hope..." So when you hope you do not know. I didn't know what the outcome of the pregnancy would be, but I hoped for a baby to join our family in 9 months.

President Uchdorf taught that the things "we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. ... We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."

Though with hope you do not know, the expectations are 'with surety' true. I have been promised I'll have more children. I have a Savior and through the power of the atonement I can return to a Heavenly Father who loves me. He hears my prayers and knows the desires of my heart. He will keep His promises. And things will work out for my good. I can easily hope in these things. I had hoped for them. I hoped for Heavenly Father to keep his promises and hear my prayers and bless me with a strong, healthy, beautiful, righteous spirit. Now that I know the timing isn't what I hoped, I need to hope in them, to sustain me until it does come. Now I need the confidence that "if I live according to God's laws and the words of His prophets now, I will receive desired blessings in the future."

"Happy is he,' said the Psalmist, 'that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God' (Psalm 146:5). With hope, we can find joy in life. We can 'have patience, and bear with ... afflictions with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions' (Alma 34:41). We can 'press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life" (2 Nephi 31:20).