Communication

I was in Las Vegas with all of my family recently. I hear some people talk about when their family gets together and they go on and on and on and on :) about how great it is! I love my family. I'm super thankful for them. But being in a confined space with them for more than a couple hours is a lot for me. I like to have my space. And quiet. I tell ya, the best family trip we did (with my siblings and their families) my mom got us all hotel rooms. We had our own quiet room and space. But we still got together and did stuff together, it was great! But anyways, this last trip I felt my weakness.

I just felt a little tension between me and my older sister constantly. We would have conversations and we didn't argue about anything, but they just came across as, not super pleasant. They didn't feel good. Now sure we're siblings and the great things about siblings is you don't have to worry about offending them, ha, is that wrong. You know what I mean. You can openly complain about things that are bothering you without worrying they're going to think you're a completely negative person. You can be honest. Be yourself.

So on the third day we were talking and she was complaining about the rental car she had. It was a big suburban and she had requested a mini van. She has 4 kids, the oldest I think is like 6, is that bad I don't know how old my nephew is, ha. Anyway. She was saying, "It's TOO big! I hate it! Even if I had all the money in the world I wouldn't want one of these!" Now, I love mini vans. But I can see with soon-to-be 5 kids, 4 of them boys, when they are all teenagers it will be pretty tight and uncomfortable for them. Luggage space isn't very big for longer trips. So I can see benefits and one day might consider a bigger suv than a mini van. So with these thoughts in my head, my response to her was, "You don't think you'd want one when your boys are all teenagers?!" To me, her response, I would never want one seemed absurd she would never consider it, especially because she has 3 boys, 4 kids, that's 6 people. I don't know. But apparently she did not like my response so she said, "Ugh. I feel like you are always yelling at me when you talk!"

... I didn't have a response. I wasn't angry at her at all. I wasn't trying to yell at her. I thought, 'Don't you see the benefits of having a bigger car?!' Now, we didn't argue. We just moved on, but it kind of bothered me because I realized, she has been thinking that all week about me. I'm always yelling at her. I'm always angry. And I wasn't. To be told you're doing something, you're not intentionally trying to do is kind of upsetting. Now true, I am pregnant, completely miserable, so my tones may be more negative than I realize I'm doing, but you get my point.

So on our drive home I was talking to Jack about it. Why does she think I'm always mad? And then he [politely] agreed with her. 'Well, you do kind of seem like you're mad all the time.' And he tried to give me some communication tips. It's just crazy the things you say can have such different impressions. I really don't pay attention to what I say or how people are responding to it. If I don't think I'm trying to be mean I don't worry about it. I guess that's not always the best. :) So he said for the rental car situation, 'don't start conversations with a negative, because then it automatically sounds like you are accusing them of something, or trying to convince them of your opinion.' He told me when I talk to people I should ask questions about what they think. Ask questions about them. So for instance instead of my, "You don't think you'd want one when your boys are teenagers?!' he suggested I should have said something like, "Do you think you'd want one when your boys are teenagers?" Then I'm not accusing her of being completely crazy. I'm not trying to convince her that she should want one. Just give her something to think about, let her think about she wants. So simple. Such a different feel.

I don't know if that makes sense. He said something to me right after, and I gave him a dirty look. Like, "What?! Why you saying that?" And then he asked the same question, just wording it differently and I agreed with what he was saying. I of course didn't realize he had just done that until he pointed it out and said, "See what happened there?" He has all sorts of crazy tips like that. So, apparently he is really good at paying attention to what he is saying, how he is saying it, and how people will respond to things. I am not. But it definitely gave me some things to consider and think about and pay more attention to when I talk to people. The way we communicate is important, even if you think, 'I don't care what they think of me," isn't it best to just portray yourself the way you intend?