Getting Answers

Before General Conference I made a list of questions I wanted answered. I remember close to 10 years ago when an Institute teacher taught me to do this and promised we'd receive the answers we were looking for.

This year my list was a little longer and a little more specific. Some things have been bothering me lately and I wanted to know what I needed to be doing to overcome that. The first talk on Saturday morning I loved. The talk that followed addressed one of the things on my list and I was excited to receive more answers. However, my energy slowed as talk after talk came and I felt like it wasn't what I was looking for. It wasn't until Elder Hales' talk in the Sunday morning session I felt like I got another answer.

He said, "We may not know when or how the Lord's answers will be given, but in His time and His way, I testify, His answers will come." As I was thinking about me not receiving my answers, that stuck out to me and I realized that I didn't have to get all the questions listed on my paper answered right now. None of my questions were really about enduring trials, which I feel a lot of his talk focused on, but it was still what I needed to hear, in my circumstance.

A couple of my favorites from his talk-

"What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end."

"Waiting upon the Lord means pondering in our hearts and 'receiv[ing] the Holy Ghost' so that we can know 'all things what [we] should do."

I just loved this, because even though I've had my recent learning experience of having patience through trials and trusting in God, I need to use those same tools to get personal answers. And with the companionship of the Holy Ghost, I can know all things what I should do.

So this talk brought me a lot of relief. While watching Conference I felt this pressure that I needed to get everything on my list answered or else I must not have listened closely enough. But during Elder Hales talk I felt like I got my answer to everything, even though they weren't direct answers. Keep living righteously. Be patient. Look and listen for answers.

I was at church the next Sunday when I received a Relief Society flier and I got really excited! It was soliciting for a meeting that Tuesday where the whole theme fit one of the things on my list. I felt, "Perfect!" This is where I am going to get my answers.

During the meeting Tuesday I listened for the spirit to nudge me on what I needed to do. And I am happy to report in one of the workshops I felt inspired to do two things and received a handout I'd still like to read through and see if there is anything else I need to hear.

So basically, I am grateful for General Conference twice a year where I feel a little more pressured to evaluate my life and see if there are any questions I'd like answered. To listen to a living prophet and apostles speak inspired words. And to be worthy to have the Holy Ghost to teach me and give me all the answers I need.

Clear Mind

So I've had a big learning month. I felt my testimony strengthened in a variety of ways. Yesterday was where everyone is given the opportunity to share their testimony during sacrament meeting. I felt like I needed to, so I thought about everything I have gained a deeper insight of or appreciation for. I prayed before going to church, that I would have the spirit with me to know what to say, and if or when I should go up to share.

Well our family left for church, but while the deacons were passing the sacrament our kids started their wiggles. And they kept it up, and it escalated. And my patience was doing the opposite. I was getting frustrated and felt the spirit leaving me. Testimonies started and after a minute of silence, my kids bothering me, I figured it was a good time for me to go ahead and get up.

I got up there, and my thoughts from before of things I've learned went cloudy. I couldn't focus. I didn't just turn around and walk back down :) but I didn't get to share the things I wanted to. Maybe some people were hopefully able to get something out of it, but it was a quick learning experience for me. The spirit keeps our minds clear and focused; it helps us to know what to say, and I didn't have it with me as much as I would have liked. Next time I need to wait until I am not flustered with my children and the spirit prompts me to get up. Testimony doesn't have the same power or effect when I don't.

Dissemble

There is a hymn we sing often and my Dad recently pointed out one of the words in it that I realized I never knew its meaning. The word-dissemble. I always figured it meant the opposite of assemble. We claim we will never dissemble, so we will stay united right? Wrong.

It means we won't pretend we're righteous. Dictionary defines it as "give a false or misleading appearance." If we say we are Christians, be a Christian. If we say we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, then we need to stand for everything it stands for. I know people that put on that persona that they are living righteously, yet when no one is looking do not live up to all the standards, or when they are on vacation, it doesn't count, etc.

I just thought it was really interesting, that this song that we sing all the time, are saying we will not be "Sunday Mormons," but don't even realize it. And for those unfamiliar with the song:

Now Let Us Rejoice

Now let us rejoice in the day of salvation.
No longer as strangers on earth need we roam.
Good tidings are sounding to us and each nation,
And shortly the hour of redemption will come,
When all that was promised the Saints will be given,
And none will molest them from morn until ev'n,
And earth will appear as the Garden of Eden,
And Jesus will say to all Israel, "Come home."

We'll love one another and never dissemble
But cease to do evil and ever be one.
And when the ungodly are fearing and tremble,
We'll watch for the day when the Savior will come,
When all that was promised the Saints will be given,
And none will molest them from morn until ev'n,
And earth will appear as the Garden of Eden,
And Jesus will say to all Israel, "Come home."

In faith we'll rely on the arm of Jehovah
To guide thru these last days of trouble and gloom,
And after the scourges and harvest are over,
We'll rise with the just when the Savior doth come.
Then all that was promised the Saints will be given,
And they will be crown'd with the angels of heav'n,
And earth will appear as the Garden of Eden,
And Christ and his people will ever be one.

Text: William W. Phelps

Making Marriage Strong

I remember growing up and hearing President Hinckley say he never got in a fight with his wife. I looked at marriages around me and dreamed of having the perfect marriage. I totally thought it was do-able to never have an argument and be completely unified in everything. I was so disappointed when I realized, I would not be able to make that claim. But I don't think most people can. :)

However, my husband shared a lesson he taught to his seminary class and Elders Quorum that I really liked on how we can make our marriage strong.

The lesson can be found in the story of Noah's Ark. Now I know I can't compare to Jack in what he'd be able to teach and he would involve more principles, but there are a few things I remember him saying that stuck with me.

After a recent argument, it is what immediately came to my head.

Noah was commanded to build an ark. There are a couple important things we learn about the instruction he received in Genesis 6:14 when it says "Make thee an ark of gopher wood; ... and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch."

Wood. Wood comes from trees which are living. When the people made the tower of Babel they made it with brick. Clay that comes from the earth and dirt.

Pitch. Pitch is sap that comes from trees which are living. In the story of the Tower of Babel they use slime for mortar, from the ground.

So unlike the Tower of Babel, the ark is made with living things, something that reminds us of Christ.

The ark separated Noah from the wickedness of the world. But having an ark is not good enough. Sure he'd have a boat when the rains came, but the water would seep in. He needed to pitch it within and without. He needed to seal it to protect it.

This is where we can think of marriage. We can get married in the temple. That is us separating ourselves from the world, building our boat, but that is not enough. We need that pitch, within and without. The sealing power of the atonement. Remember the pitch, that sealing power flowed from inside the tree. So like Christ's blood, flowing from him during the atonement, is what will protect us from the waters of the world seeping into our temple marriage.

We may think our temple marriage isn't perfect. That may be discouraging at times. But as long as we are striving to use the atonement constantly and consistently in our lives, we will be protected when the storms come. We can seal in those little cracks where the world comes in, little by little, until we are completely protected.

I know the atonement has the power to make us perfect, in our lives and in our marriage.

Just another little note you may be familiar with. The hebrew word for atonement is kaphar, meaning, to cover. The same definition of pitch.

Be Happy Now

President Uchdorf is always fun to listen to, and his talk at the Relief Society Broadcast was no different. He titled it Forget Me Not. Yep, those little blue flowers that are beautiful, but are sometimes overlooked. So because they have 5 petals he went over 5 different things that we shouldn't forget. My favorite was "Forget Not to Be Happy Now."

He talked about the Golden Ticket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. On the golden ticket was written "Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket...! Tremendous things are in store for you! Many wonderful surprises await you! ... Mystic and marvelous surprises...will...delight,...astonish, and perplex you." Everyone wants to find this golden ticket, and some feel they cannot be happy without it. President Uchdorf says, "In their anxiousness, people begin to forget the simple joy they used to find in a candy bar. The candy bar itself becomes an utter disappointment if it does not contain a golden ticket."

How many of us can relate to this in practically any scenario in our life? I know there are some things that I used to love, are no longer good enough, because I am looking for more. I need to remember that, I still have a candy bar! And that's pretty good.

He also said, "There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings-we hope and seek after things that are 'virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.' The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event-our golden ticket-to appear...The lesson here is that if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us."

It seems like I've often heard to treasure the moment, but for some reason this analogy had more meaning to me. I felt like I understood it more and could relate to it in a wider variety of circumstances. Maybe because he's using chocolate. :) But I was grateful for that reminder and insight and his whole talk is awesome if you want to read more you can find it here.

The Holy Ghost

All of my posts lately have referred back to this one experience, but I want to be sure to record everything I have learned and felt during this time. After my doctor visit Jack said we both needed to think about how the Holy Ghost talks to us. Yesterday in church the first talk was on Elder Bednar's last talk given in General Conference, The Spirit of Revelation. In the recent broadcast I attended for seminary teachers Elder Bednar referred again to this talk. Despite me having heard it several times, I knew I wanted to go back and read it again.

At first thought one may think, I thought you wanted to learn about the Holy Ghost. This talk is on revelation. But those two are completely connected. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught "the Holy Ghost is a revelator" and "no man can receive the Holy Ghost without receiving revelations." That is kind of cool.

Elder Bednar begins the talk describing 2 ways of seeing light. First, being in the dark and flipping a light switch-instant illumination. Second, the sun coming over the horizon-we see light, little by little until it fills the sky. Both bring light. Then he compares light to revelation. Giving the example of Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery translating the Book of Mormon, he says they learned that 'over time they increasingly understood the spirit of revelation typically functions as thoughts and feelings that come into our minds and hearts by the power of the Holy Ghost. Though not non-existent, it is rarely an angel coming to answer our prayers. In fact President Joseph F. Smith said, "Show me Latter-day Saints who have to feed upon miracles, signs and visions in order to keep them steadfast in the Church, and I will show you members...who are not in good standing before God, and who are walking in slippery paths. It is not by marvelous manifestations unto us that we shall be established in the truth, but it is by humility and faithful obedience to the commandments and laws of God."

Elder Bednar wasn't complete in his examples of seeing light and gave one last example. The sun rising on a cloudy day. It is harder to see the light. It may come up, but we don't really know when it came up saying "In a similar way, we many times receive revelation without recognizing precisely how or when we are receiving revelation." Then follows with another example by Oliver Cowdery being led to Joseph Smith to assist in the translation. The Lord tells him, "Behold, thou knowest that thou has inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth." He had been walking under the sun on a cloudy day, and did not realize the light was there.

I obviously really like this example and when I heard the speaker say this yesterday I thought, "That was me!" I received thoughts and feelings by the power of the Holy Ghost. I prayed and He did enlighten my mind. Those experiences come by humility and faithful obedience to the commandments and laws of God. My favorite quote from Bednar's article, which turns out to be a whole paragraph is this-

"In many of the uncertainties and challenges we encounter in our lives, God requires us to do our best, to act and not be acted upon, and to trust in Him. We may not see angels, hear heavenly voices, or receive overwhelming spiritual impressions. We frequently may press forward hoping and praying-but without absolute assurance-that we are acting in accordance with God's will. But as we honor our covenants and keep the commandments, as we strive ever more consistently to do good and to become better, we can walk with the confidence that God will guide our steps. And we can speak with the assurance that God will inspire our utterances. This is in part the meaning of the scripture that declares, 'Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God."

God's Promises

Our Heavenly Father has made promises to all of us. We can learn about those promises from reading the scriptures. The prophet can make promises to us from our Heavenly Father. One of the most prominent in my head is the Book of Mormon Challenge issued by President Gordon B. Hinckley in 2005. He asked us to read it before the end of the year giving this promise at the end. I have attended Stake Conferences and heard the Stake President issue promises (these also come from our Heavenly Father). And I have heard promises come from Heavenly Father in the form of priesthood blessings. There are so many blessings we can be had if we exercise faith in those promises and do our part. Because something I know, without doubt, is that God will always keep his promises.

Those that follow this blog know I was given a promise in a blessing. I decided to heed the blessing, practicing patience and exercising faith. One day passed, then 2, then 3, until 36 days had passed and there was still nothing. When I say nothing, I mean, I had no confirmation that the promise was kept, until I decided to go against what was being recommended by a doctor and requesting something I felt I needed to do. I felt this for awhile, but was hesitant, because I knew it made no sense logically. I know now that it was the Holy Ghost telling me this. I went in for an ultrasound and everything was clear. And had most likely been clear for 33 of those 36 days. The promise was kept 3 days after it was given, but I did not know. I was not given any sign. I continued for those 5 weeks believing, trying to keep fear, doubt, and worry out.

Immediately after this experience Jack compared it to the prophet Lehi. In the very first chapter he was told Jerusalem would be destroyed and to take his family into the wilderness. He trusted in that and left, not knowing if what was promised was true. He knew their lives were spared, but were the wicked actually destroyed? Days, months, years passed and he still did not know. In Chapter 17 we learn he is given another promise- "Yea, and the Lord said also that: After ye have arrived in the promise land, ye shall know that I, the Lord, and God; and that I, the Lord, did deliver you from destruction; yea, that I did bring you out of the land of Jerusalem." Okay, so he is finally told Jerusalem was destroyed. But he still did not have evidence of that. It was still years later, after they got to America, in 2 Nephi, chapter 1 he finally sees the vision that Jerusalem was destroyed, and they would have been to if they stayed.

For me it was after listening to the spirit and taking action, going against what 'the world' would tell me to do and what I needed, I saw a miracle. (I was told Jerusalem was destroyed). The very next day I received the evidence that my body was back on track and working the way it was designed. Confirmation that was everything was fine, and in fact, good (I saw the vision).

There have been some interesting things to learn from this experience that I am thankful for. And the scripture, 'ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" (Ether 12:6) brings personal, deeper meaning.

P.S. I feel like saying my (and my husband's) faith in this blessing bringing about a miracle of promise neglects another important act. Sunday night my husband decided to begin a fast. This fast lasted longer than a normal 2 meal fast. He fasted as long as he needed. He is such an example to me (and to our children) of someone who believes in the power of God and the promises that come through prayer and fasting. I am so thankful to him and his faith that added to this little miracle in our lives.

Good Things to Come

I like that no matter how often you may see something or read something, it can mean different things to you and you can learn new things depending on circumstances in your life. The scriptures are a constant reminder of that. This video is another one-

Fasting

Fasting is one of those things my parents taught us well when we were younger. I knew it was important to them and usually didn't have a problem waiting until 4:00 or 5:00 to eat. I tried fasting for a purpose and as I grew up experienced testimony builders of the power of fasting.

However, when I got pregnant for the first time (over 4 years ago), I thought it was kind of cool I didn't have to fast. :) I was pregnant for 9 months, nursed for 12, got pregnant again for 9 months, nursed for 12, got pregnant again. Do the math, I went 45 months only fasting maybe 2 times. And I did begin to miss it. I could still see the power of fasting and watched Jack do special fasts several times, but I felt like I was missing out.

I remember fasting for the first time after my first miscarriage, and finding it funny one of the first things I thought about when I found out about my second one was that I was going to get to fast again. I really wanted to take advantage of it so studied the topic the week before Fast Sunday approached. I appreciated my experience reading and one aspect I really liked was the following-

"This account teaches that prayer and fasting can give added strength to those giving and receiving priesthood blessings."

I really liked that. The account it is referring to is Christ with his disciples. "One one occasion the Savior cast a devil out from a child and used this experience to teach His disciples about the power of prayer and fasting. His disciples asked Him, 'Why could not we cast him out?' Jesus answered: 'Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting." (Matthew 17:14-21).

It follows this account by saying, "Like the demon that Christ cast out, our difficulty may be the kind that will go out only through prayer and fasting."

I knew what I wanted to fast for. It was a wonderful Fast Sunday, and I found it fitting that our bishop who opened the meeting talked about the power of fasting and that tended to be a theme throughout the remainder of time. I also forgot how good food and water tastes after not having it :) I know fasting can give us strength and prepare us for receiving our Heavenly Father's blessings.

*These quotes were all found under Gospel Study-Fasting and Fast Offerings

Music

I was sitting on the couch one Sunday morning while Jack was at meetings. He had left the CD player going and a song came on that took me back 11 years. When I met Jack. I sat listening, smiling, and remembering the beginning of our relationship.

We met at EFY. The theme that year was Forward with Faith. We have taken that and applied it to be our theme in marriage. His wedding ring has the inscription "Faith" in hebrew (the design used for that year in EFY). One of our first Christmas' he gave me a necklace with this same inscription. I love that. But it wasn't until I heard a song from the CD we received that year that brought back certain memories. Sitting in my friend's room whom I went to EFY with after we came back from an awesome week. We pulled out the CD and listened while I sat crushing on this amazing boy I met. :)

This experience reminded me of the power of music. The first presidency has said-

"Inspirational music is an essential part of our church meetings. The hymns invite the Spirit of the Lord, create a feeling of reverence, unify us as members, and provide a way for us to offer praises to the Lord.

Some of the greatest sermons are preached by the singing of hymns. Hymns move us to repentance and good works, build testimony and faith, comfort the weary, console the mourning, and inspire us to endure to the end" (Hymns, 1985, p.ix).

Music is a pretty incredible thing. We use a lot of it in church, but we're also supposed to make wholesome music of all kinds a part of our life. It doesn't always have to be hymns we listen to, but we do need to be careful.Elder Boyd K. Packer has said "Now a warning! Some music is spiritually very destructive. You young people know what kind that is. The tempo, the sounds, and the lifestyle of those who perform it repel the Spirit. It is far more dangerous than you may suppose, for it can smother your spiritual senses." I love that. It's an eye opener to me that even the tempo or lifestyle of the person singing that can be 'very' destructive.

I have made a goal to listen to more wholesome music. Let's be honest, I rarely listen to music at all. I'm home all day, never drive in a car anymore which is when I used to listen to music the most. And when my kids want music, it is usually Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. However, my husband is a great example of what wholesome music is. I appreciate the groups he listens to and that we can all enjoy it as a family. We picked up a couple CDs from Seagull Book where I know they are wholesome people singing wholesome songs. I think it's good to surround ourselves with those things rather than what is on the radio, especially when you don't have control over what comes on next.

My last big goal is to listen to more hymns. I admit I was a 'hymns are only for Sunday' girl. But reading what our general authorities have said about music it makes me realize 'sacred music has to do with revelation...Secular music may be inspiring in a classical or popular sense, but it will not prepare your mind to be instructed by the spirit as will sacred music." I would love to have more personal revelation on a daily basis and not limit myself to those moments only on Sundays. I need to include hymns and reverence as a daily part of my life.

Just to end with a quote I liked-

"It seems that iniquity abounds on all sides, with the Adversary taking full advantage of the time remaining to him in this day of his power. The leaders continually cry out against that which is intolerable in the sight of the Lord: against pollution of mind and body and our surroundings; against vulgarity, stealing, lying, cheating, false pride, blasphemy, and drunkenness; against fornication, adultery, homosexuality, abortion, and all other abuses of the sacred power to create; against murder and all that is like unto it; against all manner of degradation and sin."

I was amazed reading this list. That not only the fact are we warned that music can pollute our mind, but all those other awful things are what a majority of music is about nowadays. If Satan can't make you commit adultery yet, he'll just sing songs about it, get it in our head, until we do think it is okay, no matter how off course it may seem now.

I am grateful for the influence music can have on us, and am ever more dedicated to be aware what that music is doing to my spirit.

Patience

President Uchdorf always gives great talks at conference. The one he gave in April 2010 was entitled Continue in Patience. He told of an experiment with children that was just interesting. If you're not familiar with it, read it, but it showed patience was a key character trait that may predict later success in life. Patience is a good thing to develop. And it seems my entire life I have been told I need to exercise and develop patience.

With recent circumstances I thought I was exercising patience. I was waiting. And I wasn't complaining...until my timeline for patience was running out. Things were going to start getting really inconvenient. The thing is, when you're really exercising patience, you don't have a timeline, Heavenly Father does, and even though you don't know what it is, you trust it.

It was really hard to realize this. I felt myself losing patience. I felt fear rising greater and greater. I didn't like that I was allowing myself to do that, so I felt confused. For me, I thought, I am being patient, how come nothing is coming. I hadn't completely put myself in his hands.

One part of President Uchdorf's talks that stuck out most to me was the following:

"The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel. The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple. The Nephites waited for a sign of Christ's birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish. Joseph Smith's trials in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, "How long?"

In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.

Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can't possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer. ... I learned that God's promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways."

This totally spoke to me. Plus, I like to hear I'm not the only one waiting. In fact, I'm not even having to wait that long. It just broadened my view of how hard it is waiting. Heavenly Father has a purpose in requiring I wait.

A scripture I liked most when studying is that I need to 'continue in patience until ye are perfected." The idea that I am perfecting myself by waiting was admirable. I wanted to be able to do that. President Uchdorf closed his talk by saying "It is my prayer ...that we will courageously trust the Lord's promises and His timing ... and that we will continue in patience until we are perfected." Amen. :)

Patience - (personal experience)

That is the word that has been in my head for the last two weeks since finding out about my impending miscarriage.

The blessing I received once I found out told me my body would work the way it was designed. With my last miscarriage these words were the same, but this time it included the words, 'be patient.' Last time my body took 6 weeks to realize the baby was no longer growing and after an ultrasound the doctor said it could be another week before it passed. I was tired of waiting (it had been 2 weeks since I found out and I did not want to wait any longer). Plus, Jack had the day off, my mom was in town, so I opted for the surgery and felt good about that decision. Afterwards the doctor said he was glad they did the surgery, for various reasons, but also said it looked like it was going to happen on its own that day once he was in.

It has been 2 weeks again since I found out. I know I have mentioned, probably 100 times, how hard it is just waiting. I feel like I can not commit to anything. If someone asks if I can watch their kids on a certain day, if my presidency is trying to plan a time everyone can meet, if I want to plan a camping trip, I just never know for sure. And for those that don't know about my situation it makes it especially awkward and difficult. Plus, I'm a planner, so basically, it's been hard.

My husband starts his masters program today, in a city 60 miles north from where we live. Basically he will only be around when we're sleeping, and the weekends. The thought of having to go through it alone, with 2 kids has been stressful and scary. I had been hoping it would pass before this time came. I knew I was supposed to be patient, and I thought I had been. But in the back of my head I always figured, patient for a few days, a week, 2 weeks tops. It will happen before my husband becomes ridiculously busy. My Heavenly Father isn't going to make me go through this without Jack. Well, the time has come for me to try my faith.

Those words 'be patient' have been implanted in my brain. I have studied the topical guide, scriptures and various talks about patience, trying to understand what exactly it means and what I should be doing. Yesterday I asked my beloved husband who is always such a help how long I was supposed to be patient. :) I was trying to decide if I go ahead with the surgery or continue waiting, and along with that mentioned I was kind of tired of waiting. He asked how long Sarah had to wait. Almost 100 years. And I realized these 2 weeks of waiting, okay, I'll give myself benefit and say approximately 2 years (from the time I first got pregnant to when I will hopefully have another child), but this time of waiting is nothing. Surely I can exercise patience and trust in the Lord.

I feel like now I truly am allowing myself to exercise patience (and faith), knowing it may take another month. I need to trust Heavenly Father is in control and he will do what is for my good. I need to have faith in the blessing I received, and faith involves no fear. Fear doesn't come from Him, so I need to rid myself of that fear that it may come at the most inopportune time. And I guess it could. But I know that Heavenly Father will be there to help me. I will be able to do it, and it will work out when it is best for me. It's a good feeling, making that decision. I can stop worrying about what I should do, when it will come, how it will be, but experience what true patience feels like. Wish me luck! ;)

Hope

When I found out I was pregnant again I was unsure what I should be feeling. I wasn't really excited, perhaps nervous because of the previous miscarriage, but I didn't like the idea of being pessimistic and worrying for the next 3 months either. I was confused and didn't want to get overly excited to be disappointed or ungrateful by doubting. I asked my husband where you find that medium, or what it is; what was I supposed to be feeling. He responded, 'hope.' I accepted that answer.

When I was at my 4th doctor appointment earlier this week I laid on the table while she did another ultrasound. The baby looked bigger, I felt relief, but waited in silence for the tech to say something. I didn't see a heartbeat, but last time I didn't see or hear it until she switched to a different screen so I wasn't too worried. She finally spoke, 'Here is the sac, here is the baby. It is bigger, but not as big as we'd like." My heart dropped a little since at my last appointment they moved my due date back 10 days. I thought, they're going to push it back even more? Still clueless to what she was saying, then more words came, "and I don't see a heartbeat this time." ... She turned on the sound and I heard empty fuzz with the heart monitor going flat across the screen. I had lost this baby too. And my heart sunk a little deeper.

That night I sat alone and kept repeating, "I don't want to do this again. I don't want to do this again" as tears streamed down my face. It's a difficult place to be. I knew a miscarriage was coming. I knew how hard it was, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Just wait for it-not knowing when it would come, but that it would come. And it was going to be hard. I didn't want to do it. But with President Mckay seemingly in my head all the time right now I thought of him and what he was called to do. It wasn't easy for him, but it was his mission and he decided to learn from the experience, accept it, and do it well. I decided, this is my mission right now. I am being called to go through this again. So I need to do my best. I can do it, and I can do it without falling into despair. (you may find that silly to compare the two, but for me it brought some comfort)

So when the answer was hope when I found out I was pregnant, the answer is still hope now. I needed it at the beginning, I need it to get through this, and I'll need it after.

President Uchdorf gave a really good talk in October General Conference 2008 entitled The Infinite Power of Hope. He says

"Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. ... The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.

Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trusting the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear."

Just listening to those descriptions of despair and hope, obviously hope is what we want. And when I knew I didn't want to worry (or despair) at the beginning of the pregnancy, I needed hope. Romans 8:24 says "...hope that is seen is not hope..." So when you hope you do not know. I didn't know what the outcome of the pregnancy would be, but I hoped for a baby to join our family in 9 months.

President Uchdorf taught that the things "we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. ... We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."

Though with hope you do not know, the expectations are 'with surety' true. I have been promised I'll have more children. I have a Savior and through the power of the atonement I can return to a Heavenly Father who loves me. He hears my prayers and knows the desires of my heart. He will keep His promises. And things will work out for my good. I can easily hope in these things. I had hoped for them. I hoped for Heavenly Father to keep his promises and hear my prayers and bless me with a strong, healthy, beautiful, righteous spirit. Now that I know the timing isn't what I hoped, I need to hope in them, to sustain me until it does come. Now I need the confidence that "if I live according to God's laws and the words of His prophets now, I will receive desired blessings in the future."

"Happy is he,' said the Psalmist, 'that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God' (Psalm 146:5). With hope, we can find joy in life. We can 'have patience, and bear with ... afflictions with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions' (Alma 34:41). We can 'press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life" (2 Nephi 31:20).

Honesty

I was browsing my friends' facebook posts again this morning and one caught my eye. A friend of mine said-

"I sincerely think the Lord is testing my resolve to be honest. In the last few days I've had 4 different experiences where I was undercharged or given too much change and had to make the situation right. I think I'm going to pay more attention to my receipts. Who knows what I've been missing. CRAZY!"

The reply from one of her friends was-

"Or maybe he's trying to give you a break. Have you heard the story about the guy who's stuck on the roof of his house, in a flood? a couple of boats come by and try to save him, and he says "God will save me." And then he dies. and gets to heaven and asks God why He didn't save him, and God says 'I sent a couple of boats.' I'm just saying, maybe God thinks you need a couple extra bucks. Just something to think about..."

I don't know how many people believe this, it had received a few likes, but I can't help but completely disagree. Our Heavenly Father is honest. He wants us to be honest. As members of the church we believe in being honest. He will not use deceitful means to bless you. These people who accidentally gave extra change would not have balanced their books correctly at the end of the day. He's going to bless you while at the same time harming someone else? Of course not.

I remember being in an institute class and the teacher was talking about getting rich quick schemes. He knew somebody that was given an opportunity to make a lot of money really quickly and the guy took it as an answer to his prayer. He felt he was given this opportunity because he had been having financial trouble and was praying for help. But Proverbs 28:20 we read "A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent." We need to work hard and keep the commandments, that includes being honest. We will receive blessings if we do those things, not following Satan in being dishonest and attributing it as a blessing.

I decided to strengthen my own testimony of being honest and read a few talks and lessons found on lds.org. I enjoyed everything I read and there were so many good scriptures, quotes, and thoughts. I found most focused on three truths- God is a God of truth, Satan is the father of lies, and we have been commanded to be honest.

Because I could be here forever writing down things I liked I'll leave just a couple I thought went well with the scenario I gave about a temptation we may face and should remember.

1.) Alma 7:20 "I perceive that it has been made known unto you , by the testimony of his word, that he cannot walk in crooked paths; neither doth he vary from that which he hath said; neither hath he a shadow of turning from the right to the left, or from that which is right to that which is wrong; there, his course is one eternal round."

2.) "Satan would have us believe it is all right to lie. He says, 'Yea, lie a little; ... there is no harm in this' (2 Nephi 28:8). Satan encourages us to justifiy our lies to ourselves. Honest people will recognize Satan's temptations and will speak the whole truth, even if it seems to be to their disadvantage." When we cheat, lie, deceive, misrepresent by actions, words, looks, or silence, we become his slaves.

I know that when we choose to be honest we are becoming more like our Heavenly Father. We will receive blessings and be able to help others to be honest too. I was able to see St. George Live this week and 'meet' Jacob Hamblin. He is an inspiring person to learn about if you don't know anything about him. He held the reputation among the Indians, "Jacob Hamblin never tells a lie. Jacob Hamblin is an honest man." I want people to be able to say that about me.