Patience

President Uchdorf always gives great talks at conference. The one he gave in April 2010 was entitled Continue in Patience. He told of an experiment with children that was just interesting. If you're not familiar with it, read it, but it showed patience was a key character trait that may predict later success in life. Patience is a good thing to develop. And it seems my entire life I have been told I need to exercise and develop patience.

With recent circumstances I thought I was exercising patience. I was waiting. And I wasn't complaining...until my timeline for patience was running out. Things were going to start getting really inconvenient. The thing is, when you're really exercising patience, you don't have a timeline, Heavenly Father does, and even though you don't know what it is, you trust it.

It was really hard to realize this. I felt myself losing patience. I felt fear rising greater and greater. I didn't like that I was allowing myself to do that, so I felt confused. For me, I thought, I am being patient, how come nothing is coming. I hadn't completely put myself in his hands.

One part of President Uchdorf's talks that stuck out most to me was the following:

"The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel. The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple. The Nephites waited for a sign of Christ's birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish. Joseph Smith's trials in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, "How long?"

In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.

Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can't possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer. ... I learned that God's promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways."

This totally spoke to me. Plus, I like to hear I'm not the only one waiting. In fact, I'm not even having to wait that long. It just broadened my view of how hard it is waiting. Heavenly Father has a purpose in requiring I wait.

A scripture I liked most when studying is that I need to 'continue in patience until ye are perfected." The idea that I am perfecting myself by waiting was admirable. I wanted to be able to do that. President Uchdorf closed his talk by saying "It is my prayer ...that we will courageously trust the Lord's promises and His timing ... and that we will continue in patience until we are perfected." Amen. :)

Patience - (personal experience)

That is the word that has been in my head for the last two weeks since finding out about my impending miscarriage.

The blessing I received once I found out told me my body would work the way it was designed. With my last miscarriage these words were the same, but this time it included the words, 'be patient.' Last time my body took 6 weeks to realize the baby was no longer growing and after an ultrasound the doctor said it could be another week before it passed. I was tired of waiting (it had been 2 weeks since I found out and I did not want to wait any longer). Plus, Jack had the day off, my mom was in town, so I opted for the surgery and felt good about that decision. Afterwards the doctor said he was glad they did the surgery, for various reasons, but also said it looked like it was going to happen on its own that day once he was in.

It has been 2 weeks again since I found out. I know I have mentioned, probably 100 times, how hard it is just waiting. I feel like I can not commit to anything. If someone asks if I can watch their kids on a certain day, if my presidency is trying to plan a time everyone can meet, if I want to plan a camping trip, I just never know for sure. And for those that don't know about my situation it makes it especially awkward and difficult. Plus, I'm a planner, so basically, it's been hard.

My husband starts his masters program today, in a city 60 miles north from where we live. Basically he will only be around when we're sleeping, and the weekends. The thought of having to go through it alone, with 2 kids has been stressful and scary. I had been hoping it would pass before this time came. I knew I was supposed to be patient, and I thought I had been. But in the back of my head I always figured, patient for a few days, a week, 2 weeks tops. It will happen before my husband becomes ridiculously busy. My Heavenly Father isn't going to make me go through this without Jack. Well, the time has come for me to try my faith.

Those words 'be patient' have been implanted in my brain. I have studied the topical guide, scriptures and various talks about patience, trying to understand what exactly it means and what I should be doing. Yesterday I asked my beloved husband who is always such a help how long I was supposed to be patient. :) I was trying to decide if I go ahead with the surgery or continue waiting, and along with that mentioned I was kind of tired of waiting. He asked how long Sarah had to wait. Almost 100 years. And I realized these 2 weeks of waiting, okay, I'll give myself benefit and say approximately 2 years (from the time I first got pregnant to when I will hopefully have another child), but this time of waiting is nothing. Surely I can exercise patience and trust in the Lord.

I feel like now I truly am allowing myself to exercise patience (and faith), knowing it may take another month. I need to trust Heavenly Father is in control and he will do what is for my good. I need to have faith in the blessing I received, and faith involves no fear. Fear doesn't come from Him, so I need to rid myself of that fear that it may come at the most inopportune time. And I guess it could. But I know that Heavenly Father will be there to help me. I will be able to do it, and it will work out when it is best for me. It's a good feeling, making that decision. I can stop worrying about what I should do, when it will come, how it will be, but experience what true patience feels like. Wish me luck! ;)

Hope

When I found out I was pregnant again I was unsure what I should be feeling. I wasn't really excited, perhaps nervous because of the previous miscarriage, but I didn't like the idea of being pessimistic and worrying for the next 3 months either. I was confused and didn't want to get overly excited to be disappointed or ungrateful by doubting. I asked my husband where you find that medium, or what it is; what was I supposed to be feeling. He responded, 'hope.' I accepted that answer.

When I was at my 4th doctor appointment earlier this week I laid on the table while she did another ultrasound. The baby looked bigger, I felt relief, but waited in silence for the tech to say something. I didn't see a heartbeat, but last time I didn't see or hear it until she switched to a different screen so I wasn't too worried. She finally spoke, 'Here is the sac, here is the baby. It is bigger, but not as big as we'd like." My heart dropped a little since at my last appointment they moved my due date back 10 days. I thought, they're going to push it back even more? Still clueless to what she was saying, then more words came, "and I don't see a heartbeat this time." ... She turned on the sound and I heard empty fuzz with the heart monitor going flat across the screen. I had lost this baby too. And my heart sunk a little deeper.

That night I sat alone and kept repeating, "I don't want to do this again. I don't want to do this again" as tears streamed down my face. It's a difficult place to be. I knew a miscarriage was coming. I knew how hard it was, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Just wait for it-not knowing when it would come, but that it would come. And it was going to be hard. I didn't want to do it. But with President Mckay seemingly in my head all the time right now I thought of him and what he was called to do. It wasn't easy for him, but it was his mission and he decided to learn from the experience, accept it, and do it well. I decided, this is my mission right now. I am being called to go through this again. So I need to do my best. I can do it, and I can do it without falling into despair. (you may find that silly to compare the two, but for me it brought some comfort)

So when the answer was hope when I found out I was pregnant, the answer is still hope now. I needed it at the beginning, I need it to get through this, and I'll need it after.

President Uchdorf gave a really good talk in October General Conference 2008 entitled The Infinite Power of Hope. He says

"Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. ... The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.

Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trusting the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear."

Just listening to those descriptions of despair and hope, obviously hope is what we want. And when I knew I didn't want to worry (or despair) at the beginning of the pregnancy, I needed hope. Romans 8:24 says "...hope that is seen is not hope..." So when you hope you do not know. I didn't know what the outcome of the pregnancy would be, but I hoped for a baby to join our family in 9 months.

President Uchdorf taught that the things "we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. ... We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."

Though with hope you do not know, the expectations are 'with surety' true. I have been promised I'll have more children. I have a Savior and through the power of the atonement I can return to a Heavenly Father who loves me. He hears my prayers and knows the desires of my heart. He will keep His promises. And things will work out for my good. I can easily hope in these things. I had hoped for them. I hoped for Heavenly Father to keep his promises and hear my prayers and bless me with a strong, healthy, beautiful, righteous spirit. Now that I know the timing isn't what I hoped, I need to hope in them, to sustain me until it does come. Now I need the confidence that "if I live according to God's laws and the words of His prophets now, I will receive desired blessings in the future."

"Happy is he,' said the Psalmist, 'that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God' (Psalm 146:5). With hope, we can find joy in life. We can 'have patience, and bear with ... afflictions with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions' (Alma 34:41). We can 'press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life" (2 Nephi 31:20).

Honesty

I was browsing my friends' facebook posts again this morning and one caught my eye. A friend of mine said-

"I sincerely think the Lord is testing my resolve to be honest. In the last few days I've had 4 different experiences where I was undercharged or given too much change and had to make the situation right. I think I'm going to pay more attention to my receipts. Who knows what I've been missing. CRAZY!"

The reply from one of her friends was-

"Or maybe he's trying to give you a break. Have you heard the story about the guy who's stuck on the roof of his house, in a flood? a couple of boats come by and try to save him, and he says "God will save me." And then he dies. and gets to heaven and asks God why He didn't save him, and God says 'I sent a couple of boats.' I'm just saying, maybe God thinks you need a couple extra bucks. Just something to think about..."

I don't know how many people believe this, it had received a few likes, but I can't help but completely disagree. Our Heavenly Father is honest. He wants us to be honest. As members of the church we believe in being honest. He will not use deceitful means to bless you. These people who accidentally gave extra change would not have balanced their books correctly at the end of the day. He's going to bless you while at the same time harming someone else? Of course not.

I remember being in an institute class and the teacher was talking about getting rich quick schemes. He knew somebody that was given an opportunity to make a lot of money really quickly and the guy took it as an answer to his prayer. He felt he was given this opportunity because he had been having financial trouble and was praying for help. But Proverbs 28:20 we read "A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent." We need to work hard and keep the commandments, that includes being honest. We will receive blessings if we do those things, not following Satan in being dishonest and attributing it as a blessing.

I decided to strengthen my own testimony of being honest and read a few talks and lessons found on lds.org. I enjoyed everything I read and there were so many good scriptures, quotes, and thoughts. I found most focused on three truths- God is a God of truth, Satan is the father of lies, and we have been commanded to be honest.

Because I could be here forever writing down things I liked I'll leave just a couple I thought went well with the scenario I gave about a temptation we may face and should remember.

1.) Alma 7:20 "I perceive that it has been made known unto you , by the testimony of his word, that he cannot walk in crooked paths; neither doth he vary from that which he hath said; neither hath he a shadow of turning from the right to the left, or from that which is right to that which is wrong; there, his course is one eternal round."

2.) "Satan would have us believe it is all right to lie. He says, 'Yea, lie a little; ... there is no harm in this' (2 Nephi 28:8). Satan encourages us to justifiy our lies to ourselves. Honest people will recognize Satan's temptations and will speak the whole truth, even if it seems to be to their disadvantage." When we cheat, lie, deceive, misrepresent by actions, words, looks, or silence, we become his slaves.

I know that when we choose to be honest we are becoming more like our Heavenly Father. We will receive blessings and be able to help others to be honest too. I was able to see St. George Live this week and 'meet' Jacob Hamblin. He is an inspiring person to learn about if you don't know anything about him. He held the reputation among the Indians, "Jacob Hamblin never tells a lie. Jacob Hamblin is an honest man." I want people to be able to say that about me.

Act Well Thy Part

When we were in Las Vegas my parents had a documentary on David O McKay saved on their DVR. Jack and I watched it and it was very good. One of the things it talked about was the turning point on his mission. In case you're unfamiliar with this story an excerpt from the Presidents of the Church manual says

"After he graduated from the university, he planned to marry Emma Ray and teach at Weber Academy, where he had been offered a teaching contract. His plans were changed, however, when he received a mission call to Scotland. The first months of David's mission were difficult. Only a short time before, he had been one of the most popular men on the campus at the University of Utah. Now he was among strangers and very unpopular. He tells in his own words how he was humbled and how the Lord taught him:

'I was homesick and a little discouraged on this day. ... I had just left school. I loved school and I loved young people. ... I was with Peter G. Johnston, one of the truest friends in all the world. ... As we were coming back into town, I saw on my right an unfinished dwelling, over the front door of which was a stone on which there was a carving. That was most unusual, so I said to Elder Johnston, 'I'm going to see what that is.' I was half way up the graveled walk when there came to my eyesight a striking motto as follows, carved in stone:

'Whate'er Thou Art, Act Well Thy Part'

I repeated it to Elder Johnston. ... We walked quietly, but I said to myself, or the Spirit within me, 'You are a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. More than that, you are here as a representative of the Lord Jesus Christ. You accepted the responsibility as a representative of the Church.' ....

That afternoon, by the time we found our lodgings, I accepted the message given to me on that stone, and from that moment we tried to do our part as missionaries in Scotland."

It's a cool story and when we were in Salt Lake a couple weeks later we were able to see that stone in the Church History Museum. Then just a couple days ago when we attended a broadcast for seminary teachers and their wives where one speaker told of this story once again. He broadened my knowledge though when he explained the images on the stone.

He taught it is a magic square. That each square represents a number and that when added each side, in all directions, will always equal 18. If you move any symbol to another square, it loses its value and the square will no longer be magic. That is really cool when you put it with the statement, 'Whate'er thou art, act well thy part.' You are important where you are and you need to do what is expected of you.

Given my several experiences with this story in a short amount of time caused me to reflect on it extra long. I had a Primary Presidency Meeting that afternoon and I was in charge of spiritual thought. I decided to focus on this message. However, when I got to my meeting I became frustrated that they didn't use the outline I had prepared, didn't ask me for my spiritual thought and I felt like all the work I had done as secretary was pointless.

When arriving home I shared my frustrations with my husband that I felt like the meeting wasn't very productive and there was no reason for me to have even gone. He asked if I believed in the spiritual thought I had prepared. ... I was secretary in the primary and so I needed to do 'well my part.' It doesn't matter if it feels like you're unappreciated or that what you're doing isn't making a difference, you do it. And you do it the best you can.

I guess it was a good experience for me because now I feel like I need to do that even more. Focus on doing my best and not worrying about the things around me. With President McKay's experience I was thinking sometimes our life hands us things that are unexpected, or that we may not necessarily want. President McKay had plans to get married. He had lots of friends, was popular and successful.. A lot of that changed, not necessarily by choice, and it changed fast. I'm sure it was a difficult situation for a young man and so many of us face things like that now. But no matter what we're given, no matter what stage in life we are, we need to accept it and excel in it. I think we should all think about what our roles are. At work, in the home, in church, any position we hold. Are we doing it well? And if not, change.

Matthew 7:21 says "Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven, but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven." Heavenly Father has complete control over our lives. The things that are placed in our journey of life are the will of the Father for us-to learn or grow or help others, we don't always know. But we do need to know it is his hand over it all and then do his will (which is to do our best). As we accept 'what we art, and act well our part', we qualify ourselves to enter in the kingdom of heaven.

P.S. I have been doing great at doing my part in calling people for reminders and taking vitamins :)