Patience... Again?!

In our church you can receive a patriarchal blessing at some point in your life. It is basically like a personal prayer for you to turn to for direction and find blessings if you live your life accordingly throughout your entire life. Anyway, one line in there talks about me. and patience. And I really think it is just what I will continually be tried in throughout my life and I sure hope one day I can master it. Because quite honestly, I'm terrible at it. And my anxiety issues just make it that much harder to overcome.

I feel like I've talked about this baby a lot. And here I am at it again. So the way they calculate your due date, I was given May 1st as an official date. Not a bad day. But very quickly I realized, this pregnancy is hard on me. And May sounds SOOOOOO far away. They allow you to induce a week early. THAT is what I am going to do, so April 24th. My NEW due date. :) I've never opted for that before. Even with my third kid I was having a few complications and I had to get monitored at the hospital. We were there, hooked up to monitors and they said, 'well, we can just keep you and induce you now...' nope. I wanted to wait. This time, there was no question in my head. I just wanted this baby as SOON as they would allow me. And I was going to have this baby no later than April 24th.

So... 9 months goes by, and I have April 24th marked on my calendar. Then, about a month before my due date I found out my doctor was going to be out of town. Not even just out of town, but out of the country! The entire week before my due date, AND the entire week before that (in hopes that maybe I would go into labor naturally at 38 weeks. Babies are still healthy then, and I have hefty babies. But he would still be gone. No way am I having a baby at 37 weeks, so my plans were shattered.

I really wanted to deliver with my doctor. But he wasn't going to be back in town until May 2nd. That is AFTER my due date. And an entire week after what I have told myself, and everyone else, for this whole pregnancy. I was faced with a dilemna which I have made so, so, so much worse than I needed to. There is no need to go into further detail, but I have worried and struggled with the decision, do I induce with this doctor I don't really know (or like), or do I wait for my doctor.

I got a priesthood blessing. It didn't quite give me the peace or confidence I was looking for. I wanted to feel like if I delivered with this new doctor things would go okay. Because I really am stressed and worried about delivering with her. I feel like I'm a wreck, and I'll still be a wreck if I go into labor naturally before my doctor is back because I just wasn't told I'd have peace and feel good or receive a confirmation that those on duty would be skilled and understand me and my needs. I don't know. I probably don't make any sense. Basically I want to enjoy my labor/delivery experience whatever it be. It could be my last baby, and right now I feel like I'd be too worried to enjoy it if I go early.

So May 2nd. Every day I hope I don't go naturally to avoid that stress I just mentioned. But at the same time think, but it sure would be nice to go naturally, and sooner than later. And everyone that was due after me is already having their babies. And I have to hear people ask about the baby, and I don't like talking about it. Ugh.

But what this blessing I received did say, and my point of this blog post, is that it said my body would do what it needed to, to prepare for this baby. Maybe you say that is the way of saying, 'stop worrying. It doesn't matter what doctor you have, your body will do what it needs to to have a healthy baby.' But for me, those words just rang inside from when I was going through my miscarriages. It was the same wording. And at that time, patience was a clear answer for me. Just have patience. So I felt like this blessing was telling me the same thing. Stop worrying. Stop trying to decide and spend all day every day wondering, 'will today be the day?' Don't set a date to induce early. If you go early, you go early. Otherwise just wait. The baby will come when he's ready. Your body knows what to do.

... But that was so hard with those miscarriages. I had to go forward with life. I couldn't let it occupy my thoughts the way I was, wondering is it going to happen today? But then I also look at my experience, and it happened not in any way I imagined. I feared pain. I feared bleeding. And my body just miscarried. Without me really knowing. It reset itself. So apparently my body can do it. But I have no idea how or when. I'm working on accepting that with this pregnancy. It will work out.

And I just went back and read this post. Clearly I am 9 months pregnant and out of my mind. I better just stop typing. :)